Exclusive Interview: Alternation can’t get no respect
Some in my business like to interview the human connections of their subjects, but I prefer to get it straight from the horse’s mouth. With an upcoming date in the local Hawthorne Gold Cup in his near future, I jumped at the chance to speak with the horse that seems to get so little respect...
Zipse at the Track: Good morning Alternation, I just heard the news … you’re running in the Hawthorne Gold Cup?
Alternation: Yeah, most good horses come to Chicago, they run at Arlington. Not me though, not me. I get sent to the South Side, I tell ya.
Zipse at the Track: Well Arlington is nice, but there’s no shame in running at Hawthorne, and the Gold Cup is a big race.
Alternation: Hey, as long as it’s a good crowd, good crowd. By the way, that’s a nice hat, ZATT. You get a free bowl of soup when you bought that hat? … It looks good on you though. [Alternation rolls his eyes.]
Zipse at the Track: Uh … thanks Alternation, but back to the race … it seems like you would rather be running somewhere else.
Alternation: No, no Chicago’s a great town, big town, love Chicago. I come from a small town myself. It’s a small town I tell ya, the local hooker is a virgin over there.
Zipse at the Track: Wow … I had no idea. Anyway, how are you feeling going into this race?
Alternation: I tell ya, I’m alright now, but last week I was in rough shape. [Alternation straightens his tie.]
Zipse at the Track: Oh yeah, why was that?
Alternation: I found out my inflatable doll is a lesbian.
Zipse at the Track: Ouch! I’m sorry to hear that, Alternation, but I feel like we’re getting off topic here. With all your stakes wins this year, it seems like more fans should be talking about you.
Alternation: That’s the story of my life. I don’t get no respect at all. You kiddin’, I don’t get no respect at all.
Zipse at the Track: I see.
Alternation: I tell ya I get no respect. The other day my vet said I was crazy. When I told her I wanted a second opinion, she said okay, your ugly too.
Zipse at the Track: When did this total lack of respect begin, Alternation.
Alternation: Early on … my mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. [Alternation takes a gulp of his beverage.]
Zipse at the Track: Wow, that’s tough.
Alternation: That’s nothing; my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with the wallet.
Zipse at the Track: Speaking of your parents, you have an excellent pedigree. Do you feel like that has helped you out on the racetrack?
Alternation: I don’t know I tell ya, I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Zipse at the Track: But your grandpa is Seattle Slew … he won the Triple Crown.
Alternation: Pops? Yeah he was good, but in our family tree, it turns out that I’m the sap.
Zipse at the Track: Well, I don’t know about that, Alternation. You’ve done pretty well for yourself.
Alternation: Yeah but, I don’t get no respect at all. No respect at all, I tell ya.
Zipse at the Track: I’m sure they treat you well back at home…
Alternation: No, my marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Zipse at the Track: Oh, that’s not good. I didn’t realize you were married?
Alternation: Yeah, my wife and I were happy for three years. Then we met.
Zipse at the Track: Well, I’m sure she is a lovely lady.
Alternation: She’s okay, she’s okay. She can’t cook though, she’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer.
Zipse at the Track: Maybe you should stick with the track kitchen then. By the way, won’t your marriage interfere with your stallion career after you retire from racing?
Alternation: I don’t know, a girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Zipse at the Track: I’m not sure what to say that.
Alternation: I tell ya, the other night I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.
Zipse at the Track: Regardless, I wish you well when you go off to stud.
Alternation: I'm gonna need it … I’m already taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Zipse at the Track: That’s a problem!
Alternation: Yeah, the way my lucks been running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Zipse at the Track: Well then, you might not fit in, here in Chicago.
Alternation: Hey that was funny, ZATT, but don’t quit your day job.
Zipse at the Track: Thanks for the time, Alternation.
Alternation: You were the only one who wanted to talk to me. [Alternation takes another gulp from his drink, straightens his tie one last time, and walks away down the shed row muttering the whole time about getting no respect.]