Big Girls Pony Club -- Chromie Fans Matter

Since a many of our readers have indicated an interested in this reality show (ok…just two) I am scripting the concept for the second, follow-up broadcast, much in the tradition of James Cameron, Francis Coppola and the Twilight folks who shot several shows at once. Saves money and time and Jo-an and myself can keep our make-up fresh. Our cast will include Ms. McDowell, myself, Captn. Zipse, that Mike Shutty guy as regulars with guest appearances by handicapper Buck Grottano, reps from “Chromie Fans Matter”, a practice-sport segment and a few trouble-makers that I have rounded up to give this show some flavor. A.E. Sabo continues as artistic director and behavior coach as our production set swear jar merits its own Cayman Island bank account. 

Retired jockey and artist Tom Chapman will lead off the table prayer if Pastor Steve is not available as it is his Vacation Bible School season. This summer, the children are baking bread as their project before nap time at Bible School. I have suggested banana bread and other veggie breads and will include some recipes as they are sweet and do meet single serving parental-guilt vegetable requirements plus they can take their little gifts home for their family table. When I was little and my Momma was going back to school to get her teaching certification, I was given projects to ‘help’ out, my mother’s reasoning being that I had the attention span of a mosquito yet I wanted to please plus I liked equipment especially spray bottles. That year I skipped VBS. We started with ironing. Daddy got replacement shirts that summer and my little arms were rail-roaded with Tweety Bird (putty tat not the candidate) band aids from real or imagined burns. I smelled like Bactine. Yet I could flat work that spray starch can. Next avocation was baking under the watchful eye of a babysitter or Miss Blanche’s helper and this certainly struck a chord. Cooking was a discovery…so was the degree of difficulty imposed by exploding flour bags, Mehitabel (my cat) taste test sampling and experiments in how much Windex is needed to clean up cat vomit (a whole bottle). Hence began a life-long interest in things to stir-up, conjure and plug-in. It is also why I never missed VBS again until I was 13. Momma thought that I could ‘help’ her that way. 

Accordingly, Jo-an, being an ace mixologist will lead off with a refreshing summer adult beverage that can be made into a popsicle in case one is in need of the hand-held accessory which are dandy for summer bobby-ques. Yum. This recipe presentation would be shared by the cast and would set the tone. A mutual acquaintance of ours asked me yesterday how Jo-an and myself came up with this show. Think about Humphrey Bogart and Claude Rains at the end of “Casablanca”. Not just the line about friendship but the hint of them doing something a tad illegal in the name of the NATO alliance. 

For us…anything involving horses and personalities as well as silliness is interesting. BGPC will go on hiatus in the fall and the more serious and doctoral Racing Hearts will return. But in the words of big Arnie…we’ll be back. That is unless there is an overwhelming outpouring of interest in our ‘Fake x 2’ premise. By definition, a reality show is a tad phony as the dialogue depends on what the producer is saying into the ‘character’s ear piece. In our case…A.E. would hold up poster boards listing “shaddup”, “you’re lying” or “you need medication”. The latter would signal that the on-camera crew is on the right track. 

Putting a bunch of horsey types around a table with adult beverages, let’s call them ponytails, always leads to a festival of opinions, conjectures and possible hostilities. This being August, we are on top of the Travers Stakes and anticipating the Breeders Cup. Those political conventions have just about exhausted all sports minded viewers whom now are truly action starved. We have our own identity segmenting in horse fan world with all of the “Chromie Fans Matter” folks going up against the ‘She-colt’ groupies backing Beholder, Buster’s brigade of wannabe Cajuns, the Dorty Dolls, Frost-ettes and that lot of Ny-quisters (rumored to be ex-Shackettes). This month’s ‘Shaddup’ segment will feature multiple Chromie horse fan scribes like Markay & Linda, with refereeing supplied by rancher Amy Helen Temper who has an encyclopedic knowledge of anything connected to America’s horse. And because all of these folks have vested interests in their favorite horse…Jo-An and I both anticipate that this will be a noisy segment. We love the big red One and think that he has done a lot for the sport. Topics will spin around the upcoming racing and exactly who is the culprit squirting mare urine on the starting gates at Santa Anita. 

Cut to old film of villagers with torches chasing a shadowy figure. 

Our favorite valet and golf expert, Richard Guidry (if available) will teach our lady guests about using irons as crutches for high-heel mishaps and reading the greens when one actually plays the sport. Should Richie balk at another appearance, we will invite Frankie Lovato to teach us about a jockey’s favorite piece of off track equipment…the Equicizer. Two summer slushies each and we may get two favorite handicappers to race via Equicizer. I would pay a new hat’s worth of dollars to see that. And down the hallway they come! 

And of course there is fashion as it is time to explore the wonders of purple as Breeders' Cup approaches. I am convinced that the BC powers did not consider flattering colors when picking their signature palette so this discussion will center around the variations of yellow and purple hues that can be considered. Let’s be clear about something…purple is not the new black nor will it ever be. Lilac versus periwinkle. Burnt sienna versus banana crème. Or just skip that palette and go with an animal print. Purple does register well on television and in the stills but washes out the average feminine fan unless you are an Armenian-American reality show star or the late rock icon. I can totally appreciate the brand logic on the part of the BC organization. Blush would not have worked. We also will check in with a West Coast correspondent for heel sink on the racing surface as far as they match up to track conditions. And we cannot forget the weather debate as the Breeders Cup will come about when fall hats are the trend…felt and feathers are sublime. I will have to confer with international milliner Maria Marcus on this as the Dutch are never neutral on fashion. Jo-an and I are thinking silver and red. 

As far as “Do-over” interviews…how about the effervescent Bob Baffert going into the Pacific Classic? We love Bob and just about forgive him anything before AP since he helped Old Friends acquire that giant puppy dog, Game On Dude, the always regal Silver Charm and the testy War Emblem. Bless his heart. 

Good show so far. Tipsy but good. Our director and resident award winning cartoonist and Director, A.E. Sabo, is partial to this show’s dandy recipes and has been hard put to issue directions given mouth freeze from multiple ponysicles. That is why we have developed the sign idea. Pace yourself, Ann. 

Here are a few ideas for Big Lick Pony Pop Tails summer treats; Craft stores as well as most home stores have in-expensive plastic popsicle molds and wooden sticks. Small straws cut in half also work in a pinch. Serve poptails in a small cup as wasting is a sin. 

Easy Watermelon Mojito Poptails 

1 small watermelon 

¾ cup simple syrup 

¾ cup lime juice 

¾ cup light rum 

Fresh mint 

Prepare watermelon: cut in half and then quarter and de-seed. Cut into 1-inch-thick slices (minus rind). Cut into wedges or use cookie cutter to make shapes and place popsicle stick in bottom so that the shape stands up. Set aside on baking sheet. 

Prepare Juice: Heat sugar and water to slight boil and remove from heat. Add lime juice and mint and allow to cool. Pour liquid into shallow pan and add rum. Dip watermelon into juices until the pcs. are saturated. Freeze for several hours on parchment lined baking sheet. 

For beverage: Freeze square chunks of de-seeded watermelon. Make double batch of simple syrup, juice and rum. Place frozen watermelon in cocktail glass, add a bit of juice mixture and fill with club soda and more rum. Repeat. Hand over your car keys. 

Limoncello Ponytail Pop 

¾ cup of simple syrup (boiled sugar water, cooled) 

Zest of 2-3 lemons 

Juice of 2-3 lemons 

½ cup vodka (optional) 

2/3 cup Limoncello (Italian lemon liqueur) 

Combine and fill popsicle molds. Freeze for several hours and then add sticks. 

Unmold by running under warm water. Add fruit or mint leaves before freezing. 

Frosted Peachy Pops 

5 peaches (baked for 10 min. and peeled, pureed) 

1 tbs. lime juice 

1 tbs triple sec 

1 tsp light brown sugar 

½ cup vodka 

½ cup Kentucky bourbon 

Add ingredients into blender and pulse until smooth. Pour into clean molds and freeze until firm enough to hold sticks. Unmold by running under warm tap water. 

It is relatively easy to separate the adult pops from the children’s if you are using colored sticks. Otherwise take a marker and identify the appropriate treat that a little guest could enjoy. 

If your pops don’t freeze…enjoy the slurpees. Try again. Keep trying. Be like Art Sherman (the real King Slayer) and enjoy the quest. And never forget…Chromie Fans Matter.

                   Cartoon provided by A.E. Sabo of Off The Pace